If Mama Ain’t Happy …

By Alli Worthington

Experts say emotional health is how you think and feel, how emotionally intelligent you are, and how well you can regulate your emotions. But as a nonprofessional, I believe emotional health is a combination of spiritual, mental, and relational health.

I want my kids to love God, have a positive outlook on life, be in great relationships, and know how to give and receive love. I pray they have firm boundaries, take personal responsibility for themselves, and enjoy a great life. That’s my description of an emotionally healthy life. Who doesn’t want this for their kids?

If we can raise our kids to be emotionally healthy adults, we’ll have hit the jackpot as moms, right?

But I don’t want an emotionally healthy life just for my kids, I also want that life for myself. I want to love God, have a positive outlook on life, be in great relationships, and know how to give and receive love. I hope to maintain wise boundaries, take personal responsibility for myself, and enjoy a life well-lived.

In my twenty-four years as a mom, I have waded through countless parenting books, sought the expertise of counselors, coached thousands of women in my programs, and sifted through mountains of my own research only to discover this shocking truth: the greatest gift I can give my kids is to be an emotionally healthy mom and to model the way for them.

But how do we get there when motherhood feels so broken?

The answer is closer than we think.

Wisdom from a Two-Time Mom

I have a friend who is an older mom. She raised two children to adulthood and then, in her fifties, adopted two toddlers. People often ask her if she is a better mom the second time around, and she answers with a resounding and confident yes every time. People usually follow up with, “Is it because you know more about parenting?” To which she replies, “No, it’s because I know more about myself.”

From the moment we learn we are going to be a mother, whether by birth, adoption, or marriage, our focus shifts from our needs to the needs of our child. Books we read, podcasts we listen to, and social media posts we see fill our minds with what we must do to care for that little one.

As they grow, we spend less time on their physical needs and instead attend to their overall development. We want them to discover who they are, what they love, and who they will become. But along the way, we stop attending to our own development, our own activities, our own needs. We get lost in the shuffle.

We know motherhood has changed us; how can it not? But we don’t take the time to discover and develop this new version of ourselves because we don’t feel we have the time or the right. We think the many other pressing needs have to be met before we take the time to get to know this new woman we see in the mirror. And the farther she gets pushed out of the way, the more lost she feels.

Have You Abandoned Yourself?

Claire, a coaching client of mine who is an entrepreneur who works from home, recently shared: Becoming a mother was all-consuming for me. I knew everything about pregnancy. I decorated the nursery, and I had a plan for everything. I took care of every need and had a backup plan for every surprise that could pop up. I was ... I mean, I am a great mom. But after a few years, I wound up depressed, lonely, and I guess ... bitter. I loved my daughter desperately, but I forgot how to care for myself. In becoming a mother, I abandoned myself.

You may feel like you have abandoned yourself in your motherhood journey too. So many mothers do. Together, we’ll unpack how to care for yourself well because taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of your child. As much as you learn to anticipate their needs, you have to stay connected to your own. As much as you carefully attend to their development, you must keep developing and investing in yourself.

I’m sure you have heard the saying “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” And while it’s a fun saying, it carries deep truth. If we want our children to be happy, confident, and emotionally steady with healthy boundaries, we must live that way ourselves. A mother’s emotional health (her spiritual, mental, and relational health) is the most important legacy she can give her children.

Our culture teaches us that for our kids to be well, we have to focus solely on their development and happiness. But in doing so, we push ourselves and our emotional health so far into the background that we lose ourselves.

The more a mother sacrifices and puts herself last, the more likely she is to teach her children to do the same. Her daughters believe the same myths, perpetuating the cycle of what we now know to be broken modern motherhood, and her sons grow up believing they’ll have that kind of wife and mother to their kids, for better or worse.

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Taken from Remaining You While Raising Them: The Secret Art of Confident Motherhood by Alli Worthington. Click here to learn more about this book.

A guilt-free guide that strips away the myths you've believed about motherhood and offers you a new way to think—about your kids, yourself, and being the mom you've always wanted to be.

A recent Barna study stated that 80 percent of mothers are stressed out, 70 percent are tired, and 56 percent are overcommitted. This book is for them: every mom who feels overwhelmed, worried, stressed, overstimulated, tired, and strung out by all the demands of taking care of little—or not-so-little—humans.

Bestselling author, life and business coach, and mom of five boys Alli Worthington believes too many moms have neglected to take care of arguably the one person who matters most: themselves. In Remaining You While Raising Them, Alli shares guilt-free, often hilarious, empowering, and research-informed advice to help you:

• Intentionally care for yourself—spiritually, emotionally, and physically—amidst the demands of motherhood
• Drop the "good mom" myths that have been stealing your happiness
• Take back your own identity by discovering the unique type of mom you are
• Let go of social pressure, conquer mom guilt, and stop toxic comparison once and for all
• Discover easy tools for building your confidence and developing a healthy mom mindset

Raising children who are spiritually, emotionally, and physically healthy is essential, but to accomplish that heroic feat, mothers also need to be healthy in those areas. It's time to rediscover the beauty, the joy, and the sacred and secret art of confident motherhood together.

Alli Worthington is known for her straight-talking encouragement and practical tools that help women reach their dreams in business and life. Author of The Year of Living Happy, Fierce Faith, Standing Strong, and Breaking Busy, she is a well-known speaker, podcaster, and life and business coach.

Her no-nonsense, guilt-free take on business, family, and balance has led to multiple appearances on The TODAY Show and Good Morning America.

Alli lives with her husband, Mark, and their five sons outside of Nashville with a pampered golden retriever.