Two Obstacles to Successful Adult Friendships
By Laura Tremaine
Whenever I talk about the angst of making new friends on my podcast or on social media, the comment always comes up that it is so hard to make new friends as an adult. So many of us seem to struggle with those early interactions that turn an acquaintance into a friend. We think if we just followed exact instructions, it would unlock the elusive perfect bestie.
But there is no formula to make this happen. There are too many variables at play, including personality types, communication styles, relationship preferences, and the culture of your community. So this isn’t a how-to article so much as a brainstorming session to broaden your mindset on making friends.
The Friendship Fairy
There are two things that regularly trip us up when we’re on the hunt for new friends. The first is that we believe it should be easy. The right people will just fall into our path. The chemistry will be instant. Conversation will flow. If none of that happens organically, there’s something wrong—something wrong with the friend or the group or, in the quiet corner of our brain, something wrong with us.
This thinking is misguided. It’s a story we’re telling ourselves that stems from childhood wounds or past friendship hurts. When we decide—often too early—that a friendship or our position in a friendship group “isn’t working,” we give up and either return to the comfort of being alone or start looking for friendship elsewhere, and the whole exhausting and defeating cycle repeats. It’s all built on the false idea that awesome friendships must contain an element of magic.
But here’s the truth: There is no Friendship Fairy.
Your perfect friendship match is not going to fall from the sky. Finding friends takes effort and vulnerability and a willingness to let it look different than you might have imagined. Interactions might be stilted at first. You might have to hang out a few times before it feels comfortable. There might be some form of adult rejection, politely or otherwise. There might be occasions when you’re the one doing the rejecting if it’s clear you’re not a friendship fit.
I know this feels like a big groan. Who has time for that in our adult lives? Also, maybe you have a story or two that feels like you were granted a wish by a Friendship Fairy when you met a great friend, and it’s hard to accept that that type of kismet is the exception and not the rule.
The Best Friend Soul Mate
This brings me to the other thing that often trips us up when we’re on the hunt for new friends: we start the search looking for a Best Friend Soul Mate. Our standards are incredibly high for adult relationships, and I get it. Especially if you’ve had a taste of what it feels like to have a Soul Sister, it becomes hard to settle for anything else.
When I first moved to Los Angeles and had a hard time making friends, I’m sure part of it was because I wanted everyone to live up to the deep friendships I had in childhood and college. Anything else felt less than. But it wasn’t fair to compare brand-new friends with those with whom I had a long history or a lot more in common. Looking back, I can see that I should have let those young LA friends be a bit more fun without heaping so much pressure onto them.
We all want the kind of lifelong friendships we’ve seen portrayed in pop culture. And while there’s nothing wrong with hoping for that type of connectedness, it holds us back from the gift of the friendships right in front of us. Even if they’re not that deep or not meant to be forever.
This is a picture of a lifestyle of genuine faith. Not of a “religious family” or a family that merely attends church. Instead, we see parents who “diligently teach” their kids about God and his Word, and then, well, talk about it a lot!
A Wise Path to Friendship
Accept that you are not friendship dating for friendship marriage. There are no vows. There is no The One. We don’t have to choose or be chosen. Friendship is so much more expansive than that. We are looking for a variety of relationships in our lives—including identifying who is already there—and the fact that no two friendships will look exactly the same is a good thing.
This is why we build a Life Council (i.e., an advisory board of friends much like a business or organization has an advisory board of professionals) slowly over time. It helps us appreciate what each friend brings to our world and lets us strengthen the traits we bring to theirs. It takes the pressure off one person to be our Everything.
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Adapted from The Life Council: 10 Friends Every Woman Needs by Laura Tremaine. Click here to learn more about this book.
Offering a path for a new way to think about friendships, The Life Council will inspire and equip you to be a better friend, make new friends, and appreciate how different types of friendships can bring a richness to your life like never before.
You'd love to have a "ride or die" posse like you see on social media, but instead you have a host of really good ... acquaintances. After all, trying to find a soul friend in the midst of dirty dishes, deadlines, and, oh, a crazy busy life can be overwhelming. But what if developing great friendships was actually easier than we thought? And what if finding a "soul friend" wasn't necessarily our highest goal?
In The Life Council, Laura Tremaine—the writer and podcaster behind 10 Things to Tell You—tells us what we've been hoping was true all along: making, keeping, and even releasing friends doesn't need to be as hard as we make it. This fun and practical guide gives you what you need to:
- Create your own "life council" with the friends you already have
- Understand the ten kinds of friends every woman needs—and how to find them
- Learn how to evaluate your friendship circle for what's working and what might need to change
- Navigate tough conversations with friends
- Get excited again about the possibility of new friendships
The Life Council will give every woman the help she needs to think about friendships in a new way and find true connection, freedom, and joy in her relationships.
Laura Tremaine grew up in Oklahoma and moved to Los Angeles sight unseen when she was twenty-two years old. She worked in film and television production for many years at MTV, VH1, Fox, and Paramount Pictures before pursuing writing full time.
Laura has been sharing her life online for over a decade. She writes about friendship, anxiety, motherhood, and marriage. Her posts and podcast episodes resonate with women looking for ways to connect more deeply with others as they transform from one era of life into another.
Laura lives in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their two children.
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